Christmas Dissection: Cadbury White Chocolate Flavour Cake Bars

The reason why Cadbury’s Cake Bars in a familiar white chocolate flavour are Christmassy is because there’s a computer generated image of a stitched-up version of a legless Santa Claus (literally – he hasn’t got any legs) lounging around on what appears to be a dirty white carpet.

Evidently, the undoubtedly overpaid graphic designers over at Cadbury owners Craft need to visit the real world more often because white carpets are massively impractical – especially when teamed with chocolate.

Plus, old Saint Nick ain’t the only one to have been stitched up.

The “cake bar” was basically what you’d expect: soft sponge with a thick layer of cream smudged on top surrounded in a thin chocolate layer.

Although the cream was white, everything else was a traditional chocolatey brown – characteristically unlike white chocolate. Cadbury’s subtle use of the word “flavour” doesn’t mitigate its deception because for a product to be white chocolate flavoured it must actually taste of white chocolate. Which it didn’t. Presumably, the “flavour” refers to the creamy layer that was no different from that found in gazillions of chocolates from Wagon Wheels to Mr Kipling slices.

Or, indeed, Cadbury’s own Mini Rolls. Which is essentially what these cake bars are.

I may have the observational prowess of a badger, but even I could spot this gigantic fraud staring me straight in the face. For these inspirational cake bars, Cadbury have literally flattened the Mini Rolls’ rolls. Liposuction for confectionary. They’ve taken a star product and made it boring. Genius.

This product is so crammed with deceit that I’m actually doubting its legitimacy as a Cadbury product; what if the Russian’s have just superimposed a Cadbury logo onto a stick of Novichok (or Novichoc, geddit)? There’s more chance of finding white chocolate in a tin of salmon and spinning off an existing product in a worse form is marketing trickery more dire than anything even Fox News could conjure up.

Allure is over: 1* out of 5.

Review by JAMES LEWIS

Wanderer, wonderer and editor of the Chocolate Dissection blog (which will ideally melt hearts rather than brains). Reliable with sarcasm, less so with a scalpel. Twitter: @IdeasJimbound


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