Hot in the Pity

A review of Hotel Chocolat’s Chilli Puddles.

It is incredibly brave of me to review such a startling and shocking product. My enjoyment of food can best be described (in a polite sense) as “traditional”; in a perhaps more honest way it can be noted as “boring” or “ignorant”.

I mean, chilli in chocolates?! I wouldn’t even have chilli in a chilli.

I fully expected that during the course of this incredibly daring review that I would simply evaporate in a suffocating cloud of steam, as my blood literally boiled and my organs shrivelled into ash.

However, I am a brave man. At least on paper. I am when I’m adopting some weird third party persona for the purpose of extending the word count on a blog post that should have been posted yesterday. If you’re reading this as part of my portfolio, I am actually really good at hitting deadlines. Honestly.

Dead in the water, more like.

Additionally, this is Brexit day. It’s a day of bold new beginnings, lurching into the unknown with nothing but courage and sheer determination; and, of course, stupidity.

So, I ate some chocolate mixed with chilli.

The sweets came in the form of “puddles” (which are big chocolate buttons but with a pretentious name) packaged in a small frosted plastic bag with a small black bow tying the top – something that some people would identify as being cute, although I’m not capable of feeling such emotions.

Each puddle was approximately two centimetres in circumference with the fatter centre gradually thinning out towards the edges. They were nothing special, to be honest – more basic than a viral Twitter post.

There was also not much substance within the puddles (that appeared to contain no additional materials other than solid dark chocolate throughout).

The dark chocolate was very adequate, seemingly of good quality – something that should be expected from such a high-end product. The chilli worked exceedingly well with the dark chocolate too – I don’t think it would have been as impactful with milk or white.

When biting into a puddle there was an initial crack before the taste of the chocolate immediately came to the fore. The chilli favour did not hit straightaway, which I thought was a very sensible manufacturing move as it allowed the enjoyment of each separate component piece. The flavouring was released in a steady flow, rather than in one single bang; a slow warmth culminated in a fiery feeling at the back of my tongue.

The puddles were definitely a refreshing concoction compared to the mundanity of mass-produced chocolate, but their make-up was far too basic for a luxury chocolate producer and the “puddle” design screamed half-heartedness and a rushed job – especially for an item costing £6 a bag.

Final review rating: my heart was most certainly not set ablaze: 3* out of 5.


Review by JAMES LEWIS
Wanderer, wonderer and editor of the Chocolate Dissection blog (which will ideally melt hearts rather than brains). Reliable with sarcasm, less so with a scalpel. Twitter: @IdeasJimbound


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