Scarily Bland Cookies

A brutally honest and light-hearted review of Maryland Cookies’ Chunkies.

Wasn’t growing up fun? Well, occasionally at least. Perhaps blistering spots and the obligation of having to fulfil something called “responsibilities” were less than idealistic, but at least lunchboxes packed with treats were enjoyable.

One of the staples was Maryland’s Mini Chocolate Chip Cookies, which provided the joy of a sweet, sugary and – crucially – chocolatey burst every break time. They were crumbly and powdery, but that meant that there were always several finger-fulls of licking in the corner of every packet.

Since then things have got bigger. I’ve got bigger, my responsibilities have got bigger and my lack of sleeping time has got bigger.

Maryland cookies have also got bigger.

The fatter, middle aged versions of the childhood dream are called Maryland Cookies’ Chunkies and I’ve tried out the white chocolate brownie version – the red one, as opposed to the purple one.

No product in the 21^st century is complete without excessive packaging, but the wrapping for these cookies seemed to have created a new extreme. The typical thick and black plastic tray was encapsulated in a wafer thin film that had no real practical purpose other than holding up some branding. So, another good use of solidified oil.

The packaging also displayed some deceptive images. I imagined that I would be revealing a selection of gigantic biscuits that would fill the room with their presence; the reality was eight thin and small cookies that were buried within the black plastic lagoon.

Someone in Maryland clearly had the bizarre thought that putting biscuits on a diet would be a good thing. Perhaps the even more worrying thing is that no one stopped them. Are there future serial killers on the loose in Maryland?

Obviously, each cookie disappeared in two mouthfuls, but taste matters just as much as substance so there was still everything to play for.

Each cookie comprised of chocolate biscuit complete with chunks of milk and white chocolate. The biscuit itself provided a feeling of chocolate and was suitably crunchy; the chocolate pieces, on the other hand, just seemed to amalgamate into one weak, faintly chocolatey expression – clearly, the chocolate used was not of the highest quality.

Quite how Maryland can describe the cookies as being brownies I'm not sure either; they weren’t soft or rich with chocolate as a brownie should be, so there was no relevance to brownies at all.

Really, there’s not a lot left to say; they just weren’t very good. They can be bought for £1, which is an investment that could be made into literally anything else and it would be money better spent – rotting meat, soil or dog shit.

Alternatively, get yourself a pack of Fox’s Chunkie Cookies.

Final review rating: a continuation of the problems of adulthood – 1* out of 5.

Review by JAMES LEWIS
Wanderer, wonderer and editor of the Chocolate Dissection blog (which will ideally melt hearts rather than brains). Reliable with sarcasm, less so with a scalpel. Twitter: @IdeasJimbound


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