Christmas Dissection: Hotel Chocolat Alternative Mince Pies

Quite why you’d want a change from mince pies at Christmas time is beyond me, but evidently Hotel Chocolat reckon that they’ve uncovered a lucrative hole in the market with their Alternative Mince Pies.

But, immediately there was an issue with them: how can you have a mince pie without mince? Or pie? Surely all that would leave is a few spoonfuls of sugar, which doesn’t exactly seem like an earth shattering invention. (Keep an eye out for their next adventure: “Alternative Christmas Dinner – the most important meal of the year without meat, veg or gravy”).

Then there’s the use of the word “alternative”, which suggests edgy, radical or whatever the 21^st century equivalent of “cool” is. Typically, anything that professes to be left-of-field is anything but and usually ends up as a boring and pointless cacophony of hate.

So, the product name is a lie. Fabulous start. It’s like reading a copy of The Sun.

Thankfully, the “mince pies” themselves were less untruthful.

There were two variations: one was an Ultimate Milk chocolate, the other a Burnt Caramel Praline.

Although not entirely dishonest, the Ultimate Milk was quite an exaggeration of facts. Sure, it was milky; but ultimate? No, not really. Ultimate milk comes from a cow, surely; and there was definitely no beef in the chocolates I ate.

Seriously, the creamy complexion at the top of the chocolate did create a subtly milky caramel taste that could perhaps be best compared to a solidified milkshake (it was also ever so slightly softer than the encasing shell – a combination that worked well).

The inside was filled with dark chocolate truffle that was exquisitely set: not too soft or watery and not too hard. Mixed together, the richness of the dark chocolate, creamy top and the crunch of the milk chocolate casing created a pleasant (if rather basic) treat.

There wasn’t much in the way of style, though. Compared to the imaginative designs of other Hotel Chocolat creations (such as their Mississippi Mud Pie), the Ultimate Milk imagery consisted of, er, three tiny spots on the top. That’s it. Quite what they were supposed to represent I have no clue. Perhaps it was where someone’s nose dribbled onto the production line.

After three truffles came three Burnt Caramel Pralines.

These showcased a slightly greater Christmas effort, the tops painted with a golden star. Maybe the folks at Hotel Chocolat are extra religious, who knows? Who cares?

After taking a sizeable bite, the caramel oozed out… and what caramel it was! Thick, gloopy, gooey, sticky – everything that caramel should be. I also noticed the underlining burnt taste, which I find a strange thing to brag about; since when was burning food a good thing? If you ordered a cheesecake at a restaurant and it turned up on fire you’d send it back. Obviously burnt caramel is one of the quirks that makes the chocolates “alternative”. I’m surprised they didn’t screech out Oasis hits.

Disappointingly, the innards of the chocolates were slightly bare because the milk chocolate shell had encroached inwards, limiting the amount of praline present. The caramel was also considerably overpowering, completely taking over the taste of the praline – even though it did make the whole chocolate splendidly soft.

The product overall would likely have been improved if there was a third “mince pie” choice, although the idea overall has produced adequate results.

The chocolates were Christmassy and tasty, but I got the impression that they may have been a half-baked (pun intended) idea rushed out to make sales before Crimbo.

However, I’m more saddened by my lack of ability to think of any Oasis chocolate puns: 3* out of 5.

Review by JAMES LEWIS
Wanderer, wonderer and editor of the Chocolate Dissection blog (which will ideally melt hearts rather than brains). Reliable with sarcasm, less so with a scalpel. Twitter: @IdeasJimbound


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